


The Names of Forgotten Things

by Ilirea



Series: TRC Spring Fling [1]
Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: (No prior knowledge required), Alternate Universe, Canon-Typical Behavior, Introspection, M/M, Prompt: au of your favorite media, TRC Spring Fling, houseki no kuni AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2020-05-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:14:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23936671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ilirea/pseuds/Ilirea
Summary: Are you familiar with the concept of the ship of Theseus?Theseus departed to the sea in wooden ship and when the hero came back the ship was preserved by his fellow countryman for too many years to count. As the wood began to rot, they replaced and replaced and then replaced some more. Once half of the ship’s planks had been replaced, once the ship that been half built anew, would it be the same one that once left with Theseus?How many parts of yourself you can afford to lose and replace before you end up someone completely new?
Relationships: Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish
Series: TRC Spring Fling [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1725622
Comments: 4
Kudos: 6
Collections: TRC Spring Fling





	The Names of Forgotten Things

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Imnotweirdjustwriting](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Imnotweirdjustwriting/gifts).



> Hello my giftee! It’s a pleasure to finally be able to show you this piece. Your prompts were really fun to write and I loved every second of it, thank you very much for the opportunity you gave me to write you stories.  
> So, for this one I decided to merge two of my favorite things: metaphorical (kinda) writing and my favorite anime/manga: Houseki no Kuni  
> For a quick run down of how it is: HNK (or Land of the Lustrous) is set in a very distant future where humans don’t exist anymore. The story passes in a giant island that survived the fall of six meteors and where live the [Gems](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZF4fJrPMC8). The Gems are a new form of life – sentient immortal beings made of precious stones, put together in a kinda-human shape and have their skin painted so they resemble people as much as possible. The Gems are hunted by the [Lunarians](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9g4ZoYaLqAM), beings made of smoke that live in the moon and that descend to harvest them for jewelry and weapons. With the Gems – that total 28 plus their mentor – lives Phosphophyllite. They are the frailest one of the bunch, hardness of 3.5 in the Mohs Scale. Mohs Scale is a scale from one to ten that measure the hardness of Gems so, the harder you are, the easier it is to find your place. If you are hard enough you can be anything in the Gem community. And Phos… well.  
> Houseki no Kuni it’s not a happy story. It talks about change, deals with feelings, with the need to be accepted, with the chase to be someone and to be worth something.  
> As Houseki may not be a happy story, I made my best so this one can be.  
> I took a few liberties with HNK and… there it is! I hope it can be enjoyable for you even if you didn’t watch it. For your convenience, since the visuals don’t translate that well into text, I attached two videos on this, the first one is on Gems and the second on Lunarians.

Are you familiar with the concept of the ship of Theseus? It’s said that, once upon a time, when humans still lived and breathed, when there was such a faraway land such a long time ago that we don’t even remember its name – there was a hero whose name was Theseus.

Theseus departed to the sea in wooden ship and when the hero came back the ship was preserved by his fellow countryman for too many years to count. As the wood began to rot, they replaced and replaced and then replaced some more. Once half of the ship’s planks had been replaced, once the ship that been half built anew, would it be the same one that once left with Theseus?

How many parts of yourself you can afford to lose and replace before you end up someone completely new?

______________________

Andalusite – who nowadays should be Adam, had he used a name like the others – felt _old_ and he felt _tired_. The especially bad days like this one were starting to blend together and the memories of them were almost as muddy and dirty as his own color and his own thoughts. And how much he hated his color and his memories and his thoughts.

Andalusite was passionate about hating, about being angry and about being both of those at himself, most of all.

There was only one thing that Andalusite possibly hated more than himself but oh, thanks to the not so benevolent forces of the Moon, Chiastolite was taken away. Probably by now transformed into weaponry that would, sooner or later, shatter him again.

Andalusite shuddered at the thought, his long fingers scraping against the smooth stone that was his uneven and unkempt hair when he combed it nervously, making such an ugly and dreadful screeching sound, like nails on a chalkboard, on his now only ear that he almost chuckled. Almost.

Another thing Chiastolite had robbed from him, even if he wasn’t even there anymore. Andalusite refused to call him Robert – if he was undeserving of a name, then Chiastolite wasn’t even worth a mention.

He wouldn’t make himself remember. He couldn’t. There were already too many parts of Andalusite to loathe just by association with such a Gem by being the same _variety_ , that his memory – one of the very few things that were his own – was already held way too close to his heart to end up being another line in a long list of hated things. It’s quite an absurd thought to be jealous of his own memories but there Andalusite is, guarding them with viciousness he reserved for the few battles he could still fight, struggling to keep himself afloat with the sheer force of not losing anymore pieces of himself because Gem’s pieces hold _memories_ and Andalusite couldn’t bear even the thought of losing more of them, more of _himself_.

He would be shattered, again and again, he would be rebuilt, again and again, he would endure and he would survive. But Andalusite was so _tired._

Tired of being 7.5 in the hardness scale, being that dusty brown or whatever color he is, being defective with only one ear left.

It’s not like he is anything but barely average.

It’s not like he is desirable for his color, it’s not like he is as sturdy as Black Opal – _Ronan_ he reminded himself – who for some godforsaken reason shouldn’t be as hard and tough as he is but he _is,_ shouldn’t hold his attention as much with his myriad of colors but he _does_ and Ronan can fight and Ronan can build things and Ronan knows so much about the living beings on the island and he is so much and it _hurts._

Andalusite is also not as charming and intelligent as Gansey, the vivid cyan Aquamarine with a tone so rare that made him one of the most desirable Gems for the Lunarians. He hasn’t read as many books as the librarian, can’t charm other Gems as much as Gansey does, he can’t talk for hours with the others like Gansey does and he can’t and he can’t and he _can’t_ and it _hurts._

He also isn’t as compassionate as the Rainbow Obsidian Blue, isn’t as attuned as she is to the nature around them and doesn’t know how to protect them as much as she does. He doesn’t have her energy to guide the other Gems and make them better people just like she does, he isn’t as sensible as she is and he is incapable of loving as much as she does and it _hurts._

It tastes bitter to think that there is even more on this. For example, he isn’t as good with the other Gems and with their problems as the gentle Phantom Quartz named Noah, the forever scarred and scared one with the past so much more tragic than his – even if Noah says it’s _not,_ even if Noah tells him again and again that if any of them had known what used to happen at the farthest of the rooms where he and Chiastolite lived at their collective building – they would have stepped up, they would have protected him because he deserves protection and love. He _is_ worth protecting and loving.

Because Noah says that there isn’t anyone in the world that deserves to be beaten up and humiliated by the one who is – for a lack of better word – his father. And what is this but another proof that the doctor is so much better than he is? Noah who is so compassionate. Noah who is the one who keeps putting them all back together every time they shatter with his gentle hands and soothing words and so much care. And Andalusite doesn’t feel able to care this much and he can’t be as nice and offer guidance as well as Noah does and it _hurts._

And Andalusite knows that everything gets worse if he thinks that Henry, the multicolored Fluorite whose hardness is barely 4, so new in their group and so new in their world – he is also better than Andalusite will ever be. Henry who is funny, Henry who is able to lift the other Gem’s spirits without effort, who helps with the ever-present knowledge of the passing time, the days and months and years that blend together one after another for the immortal Gems, forever being broken and put together again – Henry makes the ache of it all more bearable.

Henry who is creative and can harvest the necessary materials for their everyday lives, who is also creative enough to make their swords lighter and more durable, who partnered up with Blue and Gansey and applied everything he learned into designing the Gems clothes so Blue can make them pretty and comfortable at the same time, each piece made with so much thought about its owner in mind and their individual needs. And guess what? It also _hurts._

There is so much that Andalusite isn’t. He isn’t worthy of his name, he isn’t worthy of his ugly color, he isn’t worthy of his hardness, he isn’t worthy even of a full and able body – the last parting gift Chiastolite gave him – and he isn’t and he _isn’t._ He just _isn’t._

His place on the island also isn’t as important as Ronan’s perfect fights against the Lunarians or Gansey’s knowledge and care of the library or Blue’s crafting their weapons and making their clothes or Noah’s medical care or Henry’s designs and harvests and don’t even get him started with all the older Gems, even if they aren’t around anymore. He can’t bear to think about Maura, about the lost Persephone, about Calla or Gray or Orla or any of them. It hurts too much.

The green of jealousy it’s not pretty and Andalusite knows and it still _hurts_. But he still wishes he could be as green as the burning feeling inside him. He wishes he could be beautiful, he could be useful, he could be whole and he could be _more_.

At this point, he wishes the Lunarians came for him, that the Demon that led them could descend on his cloud with all his people made of smoke, of mirrors and pieces of Andalusite’s fallen comrades and he could be finally free of his worries. He would be jewelry and he would be weapons and he would be finally useful and finally pretty. He would stop being a mess of confusing thoughts and ugly feelings and he wouldn’t be trapped in an immortal flawed body that feels inferior and worse for wear with each day.

He would be more. And there was nothing, absolutely nothing, that Andalusite wanted than to be more.

He sighed. Wishful thinking would get him absolutely nowhere. Wishful thinking actually would kill him and his fellow Gems and Andalusite was selfish, yes, but Andalusite wasn’t this selfish. Even if he flirted with the darkest parts of his own mind every now and then – which, let’s be real, it’s pretty often – it wasn’t like Ronan or Blue or Gansey or Henry or Noah or any of the others deserved to be shattered by the Lunarians and taken away. He wouldn’t let them.

The patrol was, unsurprisingly, boring. No sunspots from where the Moon People would appear in their clouds, playing their instruments, throwing petals and partying while the bigger of them would hold a bowl so reverently, just waiting for the others to bring the corpse pieces of whatever Gem was unfortunate enough to accidentally get caught by them. While the ones like Gansey found the Lunarians and their peach-colored smoky form alluring enough to study and take notes of, Andalusite sided with Noah on this one.

The Lunarians, more often than not, meant another funeral.

“Small blessings.” He sighed again, stretching and drinking the sun on his skin, feeling the warmth turn into energy as his body worked to absorb the light. “Small blessings.”

But blessings weren’t meant for the ones like Andalusite. As he keep walking, getting closer and closer to Cabeswater – the new name of the Shore of Beginnings, the forest that surrounded it and the ley lines who carried the new born Gems from the bottom of the ocean to be washed on land – Andalusite more felt than heard the weak cries of ‘ _kerah’_ and the telltale sound of flutes and drums and cherry almost bell-like laughs.

Andalusite felt the heart he didn’t even possesses stop, felt the skin he also doesn’t have grown cold. There was a new Gem washed ashore. And the Lunarians had come to get them.

He didn’t give himself time to think or time to panic. The newborn one depended on him and he couldn’t fail, he couldn’t let the Gem die. He wouldn’t. He would save them.

His legs carried him faster than his thoughts, the rainbow obsidian sword already out of the sheath while he ran. Andalusite could already see the new Gem, a small white thing shaking on the sand, the ‘ _kerah_ ’ cries louder than ever. He would get her on time. He could get her and run and call help and everything was going to work out.

He could do it.

It only took a fraction of a second for him to fail. Again. The arrow’s head was made of Diamond – a piece of Persephone – and it pierced the middle of the opalescent new Gem chest, shattering her right in front of him.

‘She can be put back together. I only need to send the Lunarians back to the Moon and Noah can put her back together.’ Andalusite repeated it as a mantra, leaping high and bringing his sword down. ‘We can get Persephone back too.’

As it turns out, neither mantras or miracles worked for him. The smoke of the Lunarians he just cut turned dark, darker and darker still. The bowl in the hands of the Lunarian in the middle turned right to him. A mirror.

But not a mirror like Blue was. Where Blue reflected light and gave it to them, this one sucked him in. He could feel his own body cracking, his mind being pulled in all directions at once. He could feel the light quickly disappearing from his world.

Andalusite _screamed._

______________________

Ronan ran. Ronan ran like his life depended on it. Taking the volume of Andalusite’s screaming, it might as well do. Ronan had sworn a long time ago that if it depended on him, Andalusite would never suffer anymore. If he could, he would quietly eliminate the threats that came into his way and were too big for him to handle alone.

Because Andalusite would never admit that there were things too big for him to handle alone. Andalusite who felt undeserving of his own name, who felt less and felt the need to prove himself every day for them. This Andalusite who didn’t know how much he was worth in the eyes of them all. Andalusite – the beautiful and ever courageous hardworking golden-brown Gem who had already been through so much and yet chose to still kept fighting.

Andalusite who was so desperate in his need to prove himself for them, to prove he could defeat the Lunarians just like Ronan do, could guard as much knowledge as Gansey do, be as essential as Noah is, as crafty and arty as Blue is, as loved as Henry is. Andalusite who is incapable to see he already is more than enough.

This is also the same Andalusite who would never accept what Ronan is so desperate to offer.

And Ronan knew. Ronan knew Andalusite wanted to climb higher and higher, wanted to climb alone just like he thought the others did. Even if they didn’t. Ronan was already born blessed. He was born with a hardness of 9.5 even being a Black Opal, one that shouldn’t surpass 6.5 in the Mohs scale. He only knew two other Gems who were this wildly different than they should be and they were both gone long, long ago.

Gansey was also blessed with a high level of hardness and the rare color, even if Gansey didn’t fight in the front lines anymore and nowadays wasn’t even able stay too long on the sun to recharge after one wrong confrontation with the Demon and his Lunarians that came so, so close to his death. One that Ronan didn’t want to think about. Not now, not ever.

Noah wasn’t as hard as Andalusite – Ronan would be forever bitter that he didn’t accept his name, even if he respects it because hell, he respects Andalusite too much to go against his wishes – but he still had a hardness of 7 and his knowledge hadn’t come from study and hard work alone. Noah had been blessed by living years upon years with a competent doctor who would both teach and protect him without Noah doing as much as lifting a finger. One that also would later betray him and keep shattering the Quartz so many times and putting him together with pieces of the Gems who didn’t make alive to Cabeswater that Noah had lost most of his memories and his identity as Gem too. Noah changed so drastically he turned from Citrine to Phantom Quartz – a lesser version of himself. Noah who now also could barely go outside to take his daily fill of the sun, an unlucky twin of Gansey’s.

Ronan sneered at the mere thought of what had been done to Noah and Andalusite and Gansey both. The world wasn’t a fair place. And the Gem world was especially cruel.

Blue may not be born especially hard but she was extremely gifted. First of all, she was actually one of the oldest Gems who were still around and she had been loved so much by the other Gems. She was the dotted daughter of Maura and family to Calla, Persephone, Orla and Gray. Blue who was born not only an Obsidian but a Rainbow one. She was able to create lifeless mirrors of herself, ones who would later turn into weaponry in her expert hands.

And then comes Henry. Henry – who Ronan would very begrudgery admit had grown on him on the latter 200 years. He didn’t place very high on the hardness scale with his 4, that much was true, but Henry had the great advantage of being highly fluorescent, so he doesn’t actually need sleep if there is little to no sun to feed on. Henry uses it on his favor – the Gem never stops thinking, never stops learning and planning – he talks that much because there is too much going on inside of his head, Ronan had come to learn.

Hell, Ronan would burn the whole world down and take them to somewhere faraway if he could. Somewhere where they would be forever safe, forever happy.

Well.

This was getting out of track.

He forces his legs to run faster, chokes his panic and pushes it to the back of his mind. Andalusite needs him.

And he would not fail again.

But failure, Ronan had already accepted long, long ago, was as much a part of him as the need to prove himself was of Andalusite. And failure was exactly what Ronan came to.

Andalusite was still screaming. Andalusite was screaming and he was crying and he was so broken that the paint that made the makeshift skin of the Gems had been chipped off, leaving him bare from head to toe and gleaming in the unforgiving sun.

Whatever terrible beauty the Lunarians saw in the shivering Gem, the sprawled pieces of his body and the burned holes on his clothes horrified Ronan. Andalusite still intact pieces were hugging something very tightly, something that was shining and shattered and _oh._

Oh, Andalusite and his beautiful, beautiful soul. Whatever had happened here, whatever long gone threats had almost got him had come looking for the scrawny shattered thing under Andalusite, one that he had protected until the very end.

Ronan could see from the pieces that weren’t quite hidden that the newborn Gem had the same shine he does. Could see the reflections that came from his barely there hair and the pieces on his back he refused to paint mingle with the same reflections coming from the new one.

She was another Opal. A White one.

And Andalusite had saved her.

Ronan wanted to laugh and Ronan wanted to cry and Ronan had _failed again_ but Andalusite _didn’t_. The sudden rush of affection knocked the breath Ronan didn’t even had out of him.

Andalusite would be fine. He would make sure of it.

______________________

_Andalusite felt like he was floating. It was a strange feeling, because Gems don’t float. How exactly did he know how to put a name on the feeling? He wasn’t sure. Andalusite wasn’t sure of quite a lot of things, actually. But that was fine. Everything was fine._

_Feeling like floating felt a lot better than feeling like he was forever sinking._

_Which is actually strange to think about. Sinking was a lot of things for Andalusite. Sinking was like he feels when he looks at the other Gems. Sinking is what he feels when he wishes he could be more like them. Sinking is what he feels when he tries. Sinking is what he feels when he looks back at Ronan._

_Sinking was also the exact feeling he got when Gansey first called the remaining Gems and told them so excitedly about what he had learn today._

_How humans, ever a topic of fascination and wonder for him, once had a thing called names. How they didn’t just call themselves by the name of their stone, humans didn’t actually weren’t even made of stone, they were made of flesh and blood and bones – which had made Andalusite wonder how they had survived for so long if their bodies were so fragile – and told them that they too, should pick names to call themselves – and pick names for their fallen comrades too, so they would never be forgotten._

_That was so long ago. Long before he lost his ear, long before Chiastolite drilled on him that he was the only of the Gems unworthy to be remembered, unworthy of their efforts and unworthy of their companionship._

_‘You’re nothing more than a variety of what I am.’ Chiastolite used to repeat, again and again, while he beat Andalusite with a sword’s handle. ‘And I regret so much that the Shore of Beginnings spit you up right in front of me. I should have shattered you on sight.’_

_Andalusite felt a little sad as the memories washed up into him. It was always a little bizarre to see how something that had happened years and years ago still could hurt him this deeply. And even worse how he believed with such a fervor that someone who could spit venom like this was right in any way._

_Of course, being free from Chiastolite deep grip in his psyche and without the regular beat ups that left him cracked and hurt, Andalusite was doing better. He was. But that didn’t mean that the mix of jealousy from the other Gems, the feeling of failure and his pride that always made him refuse their help weren’t traces from what happened so long ago._

_He was doing better until he wasn’t. That’s the truth. And most days were, in fact, a wasn’t._

_He always felt more tired than he thought it was possible to be, juggling between patrols, between fighting the Lunarians, between trying to compile an encyclopedia of their island, between tending the ley lines that connected to the Shore of Beginnings and to the forest – to Cabeswater. Was everything for nothing? Would anybody, ever, recognize some worth on him?_

_But… He had saved a newborn Gem, he had taken care of their shattered body the best he could. He had done something, right? Not even his father could take that away from him._

_Andalusite tried so hard to be everything at once._

_Was it possible that trying to be everything at once, he was nothing at all? Or more accurately, he tried so hard to be everything at once he couldn’t see that he was already something?_

_But if so, what something Andalusite was? Was he a fighter? Was he a scholar? Was he a caretaker? What was he if he is something? And was that something enough?_

_Maybe he was simply and purely Adam? Nothing more, nothing less?_

_Maybe he was Adam and he was full of ugly feelings but he those were his._

_Maybe he was Adam, full of ugly feelings and full of pride and he was tired Adam but he was Adam._

_He was more. More than what Chiastolite had made him, more than his pride and more than the ugliness who flirted inside him. Maybe he did care. Maybe he was, at least, a little gentle. Maybe he could be someone. Maybe… maybe?_

_Yes._

_Maybe._

_It was a start._

_Adam sank into sleep._

______________________

Ronan couldn’t understand. Andalusite wasn’t waking up. It had been days. It had been days since he carried all Andalusite’s pieces back to the community building. It had been days since he also brought Opal back with him.

Opal was back at it as soon as Noah had finished reassembling her and painting her skin, a small and furious thing, screaming her rage and sorrow. She had immediately attached herself to Ronan, kindred spirits in a way. Opal apparently remembered things from before being really born as Gem, memories from the world at the bottom at the ocean and the gentle rolling of the waves. An imaginary world for them, a missed one for her.

Ronan took to himself teaching her the ways of the Gem world, a welcomed distraction to the ever-present, ever-aching hole on his heart. He missed Andalusite, he missed their patrols, their talks, their everything. He missed the quiet understanding between them, he missed Andalusite’s voice, Andalusite’s stubbornness.

And Ronan blamed himself. He blamed himself for Andalusite’s shattering and for his sleep. He blamed himself for the one day they were not patrolling close enough to each other for a quick saving. He blamed himself for not talking to Andalusite all day, whatever squabble they had before the almost-abduction long forgotten – but not forgiven. Ronan wished he had been at Andalusite’s place. Ronan wished he was the one asleep. Ronan wished he could be the one to be shattered and broken. At least it would hurt a lot less than the whole mess of feelings he was trying to untangle right now.

He was tired, he was hurting. He had a myriad of reasons to give up. But again, Opal was Andalusite’s protegee, the one he had been hurting protecting. She was so new to their world, so fresh and so different from them. Opal was, in a way, his responsibility. And he couldn’t give up on her.

“Kerah.” That was Opal’s voice. “Kerah are you okay?”

“Opal, for the last time, my name is Ronan. R-o-n-a-n.” Gods why this child was so stubborn. “And yeah. I am. Mostly.”

“Kerah is not really okay.” Opal tilted her head slightly. “Kerah is hurting.”

“Yeah Opal.” Ronan sighed. “Kerah is hurting.”

“Don’t worry Kerah.” Opal patted Ronan’s arms a little, taking his hands on hers. “It will be okay soon.”

“Yeah.” Ronan sighed again, looking at the sky and resuming his patrol with Opal in tow. “It will be okay soon.”

______________________

_Adam now felt like he was trying to stand against strong winds, firmly planting his feet in the ground and shielding himself against the debris the wind brought with it. It was hard to resist the sweet calling of giving up and letting the storm lash on him as much as it wanted, let its force take him apart and blow his pieces to the corners of the earth. It would be so much easier to give up and let fate decide for him._

_It would be so, so easy._

_It would also be so bitter._

_It was not like Adam wanted to really give up. He was just tired of fighting. He wanted control but he was tired of caring the weight of the world on his shoulders. He wanted to be free, he wanted to be… Just be. Adam wanted so much and so little at the same time._

_He was not ready to let his dreams and his hard work go to waste just yet._

_So he fought harder, doubled the speed and strength of each of his steps. He held his arms closer to his face, protecting himself but cleaning his vision._

_Decisions and beliefs made fighting easier. He would fight now and it would be okay later. He would fight now and tomorrow would be a better day. He would fight today and tomorrow… tomorrow the sun would rise again. Tomorrow he would meet Ronan again, he would meet Gansey and Blue again, he would meet Noah, he would meet Henry. He would meet the new Gem. He would be strong for himself. He would be strong enough so he could meet them with his head high._

_He would learn._

_It was already starting._

_Adam sank back into sleep again._

______________________

“Ronan, I’m sorry but there is nothing more that I can do. He should be fine. I don’t know what is happening.” Noah was trying very hard to not snap at Ronan. Really hard. “I did everything I could.”

“I know! I know!” Ronan was pacing, the heels of his boots echoing on the whole medical wing. “But fuck Noah.”

“Ronan, no. No buts. You need to give him time.” Noah painted the newly glued crack on Blue’s face gently, a satisfied _aha!_ when he finished. “And there is nothing we can do to help him. It’s outside whatever we know. Whatever I know.”

“Noah has been keeping himself up most nights with Henry’s help you know.” Blue’s tone was gentle, gentler than Ronan felt that he deserved. “He has been trying everything Ronan. It’s not his fault. It’s no one’s fault. He will wake up. It will be fine.”

“I’m sorry Ronan.” Noah slumped on his stool, his amber eyes closing with a tired sigh. “I shouldn’t snap like this at you but… I’ve been trying so hard. We want him to wake up as much as you do. We really do. But there is nothing more that I can do.”

“It’s just… frustrating. I know it is.” Noah got up, now sporting a very knowing look that Ronan immediately hated. “We want him back. And we will have him. He will be back soon.”

“We all miss him.” Blue touched her own face, wincing a little at the sting. “We all miss Andalusite a lot.”

“He will be back.” Noah took advantage of the moment, hugging Ronan tightly. ”I promise you will have him back.”

“I will be going then.” Ronan hugged him back. The ‘thank you’ was implicit on the returned hug, but Noah would let that one slide.

“Yeah, go on.” Noah gripped him by his shoulders, smiling a little. “Pick Opal along the way. She was with Gansey last time I saw her.”

“Will do.” Ronan mock saluted Noah on his way out. “Bye.”

“He is really worried, isn’t he?” Blue questioning tone startled Noah out of his thoughts. “It’s kinda sweet.”

“You have no idea Blue.” Noah petted her hair, detangling a few leaves from the short strands. “You have no idea.”

______________________

_Adam didn’t even need air to live and yet he was suffocating. He clawed uselessly at his throat, desperate for air, for release, for anything. His time was running out. Out for what? He had no idea._

_Why it hurts this much if it wasn’t even a basic need for him? He couldn’t understand._

_Adam wanted it to stop. He wanted to live and to be better. He wanted to live and to see his friends again. He wanted to live and to make a difference._

_He wanted to live just for the pleasure of living._

_Air filled the lungs Adam didn’t really have, relief flooding him. He was willing to live. Neither strong winds or the lack of air would stop him._

_He had made a decision and he was sticking to it, as hard as it may be._

_If he really thought hard about it, Adam had made his decision long time ago. He was just to scared to keep going. He was just too afraid that change would mean to give up who he was. How to change without losing his pride and his convictions?_

_How to change without giving up his dreams? How to accommodate all those feelings inside of himself without loosing some along the way? How to make everything possible at the same time?_

_Adam had so little left that it was hard to give up on anything. He was jealous of his own feelings and dreams. Overprotective of his own heart. He was all greedy hands and broken ego._

_Broken heart too._

_But he would mend it. He would learn how to make everything possible at once._

_He would learn how to leave things behind and he would still be Andalusite._

_Who was also Adam._

_He was everything at once. He was nothing at the same time._

_So he could be anything he wanted._

_He was really learning, wasn’t he?_

_It was really a start._

______________________

It had been a month. It had been a month since Adam was shattered and put together and he was still sleeping.

Ronan was going crazy.

None of them could understand what had happened. And not knowing what was happening was what hurt the most. If he knew what was wrong and how to fix it it would be so much easier. If he knew what was keeping Adam sleeping he would run, he would fight, he would do the possible and the impossible to wake him up.

Ronan wanted him back. Ronan wanted his friend back. Ronan missed him so much that it physically hurt.

But there was absolutely nothing Ronan could do. Noah had done everything he could, had kept awake night after night using Henry’s body light to try to understand what was wrong.

Gansey was studying non-stop in the library every possible text the Gems that came before them had left, Blue on tow helping with everything she could.

And Ronan felt useless. The only thing he could do was keep patrolling with Opal, fighting day after day with the Lunarians to protect them all until things could go back to normal.

Until Adam could go back to normal.

“OPAL! TIME TO GO BACK!” He was tired of worrying. So tired of worrying. At least the sun was setting and it was time to go home. He would talk with Gansey and Blue and hopefully something had come up.

Hopefully.

Opal came running, frolicking around and laughing while chasing some bees. Ronan couldn’t help but smile at the sight. Opal was a beacon of light in their everyday lives.

She was a strange Gem, both adult and child at the same time. She was born with so much knowledge but so much knowledge that was useless at their world. She was both so wise and so naive. Opal was a wonder and a mystery.

“Time to go home?” Opal’s multicolored eyes shone in the setting sun. “Kerah needs his friends?”

“I…” Ronan was once more struck in awe by how much Opal could sense of his moods and feelings. “Yeah. Yeah I need them.”

“So Opal will go with you.” Her smile was so big that it lit her entire face. “Opal will make it better.”

“Thank you Opal.” Ronan started to make way back, Opal running around him and still laughing as the insects and the eventual rabbit flew from her. “We will talk to Gansey first when we get back.”

“Gansey, Gansey!” Opal laughed some more, the sword at her waist clinking when it hit the back of her tights. “Opal loves Gansey!”

“I know runt. We need to see if he found something new.” Ronan still had hope on Gansey and Blue’s research. “Maybe it’s time now.”

“Kerah needs to give him time.” Opal shook her head. “He will be back when he is back Kerah.”

“I know. But I wish I didn’t.” He couldn’t keep the bitterness and honesty out of his voice when talking to Opal. “I just want him to be back.”

“He will. He just needs to find the missing pieces.” Opal squeezed Ronan’s hand a little, her eyes now so, so sad. “But he will getting there.”

“Opal, what do you mean?” Ronan stopped altogether. “What do you know that we don’t?”

“Opal only knows.” She shook her head again, more emphatically this time. “Opal feels.”

“What do you mean?” Ronan didn’t really want to get angry but he couldn’t help it. “Opal what the fuck do you mean?”

“Opal can’t explain.” Her eyes held so much sadness. “Opal just… knows he will wake up when he is ready.”

“Fuck you Opal.” He was fully angry now. “I miss him. We all miss him. We want Adam back!”

“He will be back!” Opal was screaming now. “Opal knows! Opal feels! The ocean knows Kerah! The world of the ocean feels!”

“I can’t understand you Opal.” He spit the words with so much anger. “But you know what? I don’t want to know. Fuck you.”

“Kerah is stupid!” Opal was screaming again. “Kerah doesn’t understand his feelings and want Opal to tell secrets!”

Ronan elected to ignore her, making his way back to the collective building. He was angry and he was tired and he wanted the comfort of Gansey and Blue’s presence. He was lonely and he was hurting again. Even Opal didn’t really trust him enough to tell the truth. And Opal was a big part of him, Opal was just as much as his family as Niall and Aurora and Matthew and Declan had been. Ronan had trusted her.

He was very tired of having important people being ripped away from his life.

______________________

_Adam woke up blinded. Flash after flash assaulted his vision, making the Gem desperately try to shield his eyes of the strong light. Which was quite curious. Gems feed on sunlight, Gems loved light. Why the light was hurting this time? What was wrong with it?_

Flash

_The first patrol he had with Ronan. Also the very first time they fought. At first, they had a very hard time getting along. Ronan couldn’t accept Adam as partner into his fights, deeply offended by the notion he possibly wouldn’t be enough to defeat the Lunarians alone._

_Deeply offended by the notion Adam would occupy Gansey’s place._

_“I’m a very different person than Gansey is.” Adam had reasoned. “And frankly, I don’t give a shit to what you think.”_

Flash

_“You will never be good at it.” Ronan spit the words with as much venom as possible. “You will never find your place here if you keep hiding.”_

_“If being good means being like you I’m better shattered. Who the fuck would want to have a place at your side?” Adam spit back, bristling. The words had cut way too close to home. “Back off.”_

_“Oh look, Andalusite have claws.” Ronan mocked, the venomous words now turned into a tantalizing smirk. “Guess what asshole. You will need a lot more than this to survive here.”_

Flash

_Adam and Ronan were in tentatively dipping into speaking terms. Mostly they talked about fighting the Lunarians, the division of the patrols and the weather. Adam liked the cautious words, the breaching into whatever invisible barrier had kept them apart those last months._

_They were getting better at it._

Flash

_The whatever careful way they had built their relationship had now turned into a more solid thing. More palpable. They talked a lot now. Nothing too deep, nothing too personal._

_Not yet anyway._

_But they talked. They laughed. They joked._

_It was a start._

Flash

_Things were getting better between him and Ronan. More real. They were friends. No cautiousness, no buts. They were friends._

_“Hey, Andalusite.” Ronan wasn’t exactly smiling but his eyes were so full of happiness and mischief that he might as well be. “What do you think about playing a prank on Noah?”_

_“Noah?” Adam tilted his head a little, a smile blooming as he considered the possibilities. “Yeah, I am in.”_

Flash

_There were some difficult times with Ronan as well. For the very, very brief months Adam and Blue had danced around each other in a tentative possibly-almost-dating-thing, Ronan had changed. Ronan was a hard person to get into speaking terms, even harder to befriend and god forbit trying to gain his trust._

_Blue, even being one of the older Gems living in the island, had mostly kept to herself and her family for the longest time. Most Gems and their families live in different parts of the building and mostly did their own things, ignoring the others as much as possible._

_And when Adam had his first contact with her…_

_Well._

_Things didn’t last really long but long enough to put a small dent into his friendship with Ronan. They fought more, they talked less. Ronan turned even more aggressive, the loss of Adam’s already scarce company with the amount of jobs he took to himself – and the thigh grip his father had on him – turned everything almost impossible._

_At the end, he and Blue parted on the best possible terms. Blue turned into a friend, Blue was introduced to Ronan. And one thing led to another, Noah connecting them all and turning Adam, Gansey, Blue, Ronan and himself into a makeshift family. It had been fast, it had been complicated. It had been even more confusing than the dreamt flashback suggested. Adam couldn’t put into words not even if asked._

_But they managed._

Flash

_Ronan had been furious when he discovered what happened into Adam’s family. Scratch that, Ronan had been livid. Adam had never, ever, seen Ronan this angry. Not even when the Lunarians had taken Calla. Not even when the Lunarians also took Orla._

_Adam was scared of Ronan’s anger. Not of Ronan, of course not. But he feared what Ronan would do to his father after he discovered what happened behind closed doors, how much of his injuries where actually caused by the hilt of a sword, by rocks, by glass bottles._

_By whatever could come in handy and be hard enough to break Adam._

_When Adam lost his ear, shattered beyond saving, pulverized to nothing and scattered into the wind by a laughing Chiastolite, Adam feared Ronan would shatter his father, pull him apart piece by piece and throw him back at the ocean._

_But… But that had felt both equally horrible and wonderful._

_The knowledge that their makeshift family cared for him, even if he wasn’t really worth caring for made the ever-present ache in his heart lessen a little bit._

Flash

_It had been hard after that. He hated the pity of the other Gems. Hated how they wanted to act without consulting him and his needs first. Did they really consider him this weak? This useless?_

_Even Ronan thought so lowly of him?_

Flash

_“Adam.” That was Ronan. “Adam, he is gone. Adam, please.”_

_Ronan had his hands on Adam’s, who where clutching his own head, sobs wrecking his entire body. Even blinded by the pearlescent tears, he could see how worried Ronan was. He could see the worry and he could see a spark of something else too. He had no idea of what it was._

Flash

_Adam was laying into a bed of daisies, looking at the sky and thinking about everything and nothing at the same time, completely lost in his own thoughts._

_He was startled by the thump of another body falling besides his, the sun hitting on Ronan’s naked back and spilling miniature rainbows everywhere just as the other Gem laid on his stomach besides Adam, lazily facing him._

_“Took a day off?” Ronan’s voice was low, sleepy. He looked comfortable. “Finally allowing yourself a break?”_

_“He was taken Ronan. My father was taken to the moon. And I can’t believe it yet. I can’t believe he is out of my life.” Adam’s voice was even lower than Ronan’s, shame coloring his words. He was weak. He was pitiable. He hated it._

_“And thank fucking god he will never be back.” Ronan’s voice was savage, feelings Adam couldn’t identify dancing in his eyes again._

_Flash_

_They were again laying side by side. But this time they were at the room Adam called home. Away from everybody, as alone as he could be in a building that sheltered all the still-alive Gems._

_Adam was crying again. Persephone, the lovely Diamond who had taken to herself to teach him about their world, who had taken him under her care. Persephone who was the mother Adam never had._

_She was also gone._

_And she wouldn’t come back._

_“We will get her back Adam. I will do everything in my power to help you get her back from what they bring to earth.” Ronan hugged him, a little awkward, a little fearful. Fearful of what, Adam had no idea. “We will do everything we can.”_

_Adam only cried harder._

Flash

_Maura and Gray had been taken too. There was no one else left besides them._

_Adam heart broke some more._

Flash

_Ronan was at his bedroom again, idly picking a flower with way too many petals to count apart. Ronan looked at peace. Ronan looked like things were getting better for him._

_Adam felt his chest warm up, warmth flooding the heart he didn’t have._

Flash

_Ronan was angry._

_Again._

_It was Adam’s first day patrolling with him all over again but this time directed to the new flamboyant Gem who seemed unbothered by the snaring Black Opal._

_“Come on Ronan.” He gently put his hand at the other Gem’s wrist. “Let take a walk to cool off, yeah?”_

_“Fuck no.” Ronan was at that stage again, Adam could see. Protecting himself of an unknown possible threat. Protecting his feelings of a possible heart break._

_“Suit yourself.” Adam shrugged. “I’m going out.”_

Flash

_He and Ronan were watching the sunset. It was beautiful, bathing Cabeswater in orange light, reflecting in the ocean and ever so slowly hiding behind the waves._

_“Do you wanna head back?” Adam was startled out of his admiring by Ronan’s voice, the ugly snort of laugher when he noticed Adam’s jumping. “Come on Andalusite, ready to go back yet?”_

_“Yeah.” Adam got up, brushing the sand out of his clothes. “Yeah let’s head back.”_

_He made the mistake of looking into Ronan’s eyes when he got up. It was a mistake because Adam could finally recognize one of the feelings in his eyes. He could finally recognize the feelings in Ronan’s eyes because they were reflecting the same held in his._

Flash

_The light wasn’t blinding anymore. The light was now gentle on his eyes, a warm caress on his painted skin._

_It was liberating now, instead of blinding._

_Just like the truth held much more power than lies._

_Adam fell asleep again._

______________________

“You miss him.” It wasn’t a question. Gansey knew him deeply enough to see right through him. “And you can’t bear how much you miss him.”

“I…” For a moment, Ronan considered saying no. But Ronan didn’t lie. “I do Gansey. I actually really do.”

“It’s understandable Ronan.” Gansey had his glasses perched at the tip of his nose, his intense gaze burning right into Ronan’s chest. It was uncomfortable to be so understood. It was also a relief to talk about it. “And you shouldn’t blame yourself for it you know?”

“Who says I do?” Ronan couldn’t reign the defiance bleeding into his words. He also couldn’t contain the hurt in them too.

“Oh please Ronan.” Gansey was scoffing now, crossing his arms and giving him one of those _looks_. “Did you really think I wouldn’t notice? Like, really?”

“I should have been there.” Ronan slumped into a nearby chair, throwing the papers perched on it carelessly on the floor only to receive an indignant squawk from Gansey. “Nothing would have happened if I was there.”

“And how exactly would you have predicted this scenario?” Gansey was giving him another one of the patented Gansey’s look. “How exactly would you have made it?”

“I…” Ronan didn’t really have an answer for that.

“See? Useless to think about what ifs Ronan.” Gansey exhaled. He looked tired. Older somehow. Even if Gem’s didn’t really get older. “What you should be thinking about is how to bring him back, not about changing the past.”

“Well, fuck.” Ronan threw his head back, thumping it loudly and repeatedly into the shelf behind him. “Fuck you Gansey. You know I am doing everything I can to help. I just want him to be back. I just want him to be okay again. Fuck you Gansey, what exactly do you think I’ve been doing these past three months?”

“And that is the whole point he is trying to make. He is just terrible at it.” Henry piped from the door, gentle steps echoing into the library as he entered the room. “You are doing what you can Ronan. He will be back when he is back. It’s as simple as that.”

Ronan wanted to bite. Ronan wanted to spit venom at both Gansey and Henry. He wanted them to hurt as much as he was hurting right now. But…

But he couldn’t. There were more import things to think about now. There was no energy left to get angry, no energy left to fight. He should be looking for clues, for cures, for anything.

He just wanted Andalusite back with him. He loved him too much to let him go as easy as that.

He was so, so fucked.

______________________

_Adam woke up to see Persephone right in front of him. ‘Ah. So this is finally the end? Am I shattered beyond saving?’_

_“You are most definitively not.” Persephone was smiling very softly at him, her eyes so fair in color they were almost translucent. “You can still go back Andalusite.”_

_“I decided to go by Adam now.” Adam smiled a little shyly back to her. “I feel like I can now.”_

_“This is wonderful Adam.” Persephone scooted a little closer, putting her arms around him. “I’m very proud of you.”_

_“I’m not, I think.” His smile vanished as quickly as it had come. “I’m Adam but I’m not proud of being Adam.”_

_“And why not?” Persephone’s eyes were so sad now. “You accomplished so much already Adam, why aren’t you proud of being yourself?”_

_“And what exactly did I accomplish?” He was bitter. So bitter. “I am still nothing.”_

_“You did quite a lot Adam.” Persephone’s tone was stern, scolding. “You work a lot. You’re work the hardest of any of us on the island. You tend to the Shore of Beginnings and to the ley lines and to the forest, just like you told us you would do. You’re making an encyclopedia for all the others. For the future too. You fight the Lunarians and you patrol the island just like the others. You overcame the loss of your ear and the memories that went with it. You overcame the abandonment of your father and the abuse he submitted you to. You made friends. You learned to love them. You learned to live with your memories. Adam you saved a life. Do I need to go on?”_

_“You… I…” Adam suddenly felt very small. “You… Persephone, do you really think this is something?”_

_“Don’t be stupid Adam, of course it is. And you know it is.” Persephone was vanishing into smoke now, her face turning into a mirror of Adam’s just as she disappeared “After all, you were just talking to yourself, yeah? You just need to pretend it wasn’t. You just needed the confirmation so you could choose which pieces to pick and which ones to leave behind, eh?”_

_Adam woke up._

______________________

It had been _months._ Eight months to be exact. Ronan had visited Andalusite every single day. Ronan had come back disappointed every single time too. Then the winter came, which meant three long months of sleeping for the Gems – besides Opal, who apparently wasn’t strange enough with her ocean memories, she also didn’t need to sleep in the winter, taking the role of protecting the other Gems during the months of rest.

Then spring had come, bringing with it the newly bloomed flowers and newborn animals. Spring brought happiness to the Gems, a new vigor to their lives.

But Andalusite still wasn’t awake.

Ronan had almost lost his hope. It suddenly seemed like a herculean task to climb the stairs that led to Gansey’s library and to the room that Adam was sleeping in. On flight of stairs was suddenly too much. It was also too little. One flight of stairs separated him from his next daily dose of heartbreak, a bitter taste on his mouth every single day. A little of himself he left with Andalusite every single day too.

Ronan almost slapped himself after the thought. Holy fuck, those last months had been another personal hell.

Ronan didn’t think he could take much more of personal hells in his life.

As he reached the top of the stairs, he heard a little rustling. Praying it wasn’t the damn raven who had taken interest in pecking Andalusite’s hair every now and then when she found the window open, Ronan was ready to wrestle the bird out _again_ when he stopped dead in his tracks.

It wasn’t the bird.

It wasn’t any kind of bird. It was Andalusite himself, slowly blinking awake and looking around like he had never been inside the collective building – which in fact he hadn’t been in quite so many years, so, understandable. Or so Ronan hoped.

“Ronan?” His voice was rough with disuse, tired too. “Ronan what are you doing here?”

Ronan couldn’t move. Couldn’t speak. Couldn’t think. Andalusite was awake. He was back. Andalusite had really come back.

“Ronan. Ronan, please don’t cry.” Adam tried in vain to get up, his arms giving up as soon as he tried to put his weight on them. “Ronan, what is wrong?”

Ronan didn’t dare to speak. Ever so slowly, he approached the bed, a hand itching close to the other Gem’s face.

“Andalusite.” The whisper was reverent, almost like the prayers the humans used to make. “Andalusite you are back.”

“Adam.” While his arms where still weak, the voice was oh so clear. “Ronan, you can call me Adam.”

Ronan could feel the tears running down his checks, the sobs wrecking him. But there were no words left on him besides whispering Adam’s name with fervor, repeating it like a sacred mantra, like it means the world for him.

Which, in fact, it did.

______________________

“So.” Gansey swallowed a little, suddenly nervous. “I have a theory but I can’t say how right or wrong it is. We will probably never know for sure actually but… ”

It had been barely a week since Adam had woke up. Barely a week since he was learning how to live with the Gems again, regaining his motor skills, spending copious amounts of time in the sun to recharge and, of course, training to go back to field as soon as possible – or as much as close to training he could do now.

“Go on Gansey.” Adam smiled a little for the cyan colored Gem. “I want to know.”

Ronan scoffed, scooting a little closer to Adam. He could feel the snicker on Noah’s eyes, at the movement. _Bastard._ He hoped that thinking it enough would get the message across.

It did not.

Noah let a very small and very ugly sound, which earned him a killer glare from Ronan. Noah ignored him. Hundreds of years had made him immune to the Ronan glare.

“So.” Gansey cleared his throat. “My guess had ties with the fact that you are an Andalusite and about Cabeswater. More importantly, the ley line that connects Cabeswater to the sea where the Gems are born.”

Opal was nodding at that. Ronan had the very distinct feeling she had known this all along.

“You have been tending to Cabeswater for what? A few hundred years?” Gansey leaned forward, his eyes held barely contained excitement on his discovery. He also almost had his glasses falling with the movement.

“Give or take, yes.” Adam was cautious now. What the fuck.

“There is a story, a very, very old story, that talks about a similar situation. Before the Gems existed, before the meteors struck earth and humans died, the ley lines already existed. Usually, someone made a pact with them. Like a contract? Kind of? So the ley line would lend them power and they took care of it so the power could flow and be everywhere it needed to be.” Gansey was rambling a little, the happiness of discovery and knowledge very clear for those who were listening. “It is what happened to you. Kind of. Cabeswater accepted you without even making a pact. It lend you power for years upon years of you tending it. But you’re not human. So, my guess is that you stored it without knowing.”

“I… What?” Adam was feeling more confused than when Gansey started.

“Adam. You are a Gem. Gems have very different bodies from humans yeah? So instead of like, dissipating the power you were not using, you kept storing it. And since Gems are immortal, you have been storing the power that brings Gems to life and to the Shore it for quite some time.”

“I’m following.” Adam nodded, a little dazed. Opal, who was sitting at the opposite side of Ronan, was smiling. She really knew. And from the looks of it, Gansey’s explanation was on the right track.

“So, when you were presented with a mirror that was trying to pull you in and blown you apart for an easier picking up process you… released it.” Gansey was proud of himself with that one, it was clear. “The opposite forces colliding released such a great heat that it vaporized all the Lunarians who were trying to shatter you and Opal.”

“You were shattered too, of course.” Gansey continued. “But you were shattered because the resulting lack of the ley line energy drained you so much you just… entered what humans call coma. Ronan found you shattered _after_ you were already hugging Opal. You are an Andalusite. You can’t suffer from heat, only your clothes did. You were actually intact when you landed and when you tried to keep protecting Opal. The shattering occurred because of the severed relationship with the ley line. After you stopped being part of Cabeswater or so to speak. Like you were a severed branch from the main tree, yeah? I’m not sure if I’m being clear but I can try again if you want.”

“I… Thank you Gansey.” Adam felt a little dizzy, a little nauseous. Another piece of himself he didn’t even knew that existed but he had lost all the same.

______________________

This time, Adam was really doing better.

Things got more manageable after the whole Cabeswater incident months ago. Easier to stand, easier to live through. Adam had, in fact, never felt so awake.

Never felt so alive.

For starters, he left the whole mess of information that Gansey had dumped onto them all behind. Whatever had happened, if Gansey and Opal where right or were not, it didn’t really matter. Adam chose to crave a different path from that moment onwards. He would start anew. He would keep his patrols with Ronan – and now Opal – he would keep fighting, he would keep working on his encyclopedia and he would keep tending to Cabeswater, connection or no connection. Whichever was true, it didn’t matter too. It was Adam’s choice. It was all Adam’s choice.

He felt like he could stand close to Gansey, since he was a great scholar on his own way. He could be face to face with Blue, since he learned he loved just as deeply as she did. He could talk with Noah without feeling like he cared less for his peers than Noah did – now Adam knew it wasn’t true. Adam was capable of caring, just as much as Noah was. Adam could now look into Henry’s eyes without feeling envious – the other Gems had missed him just like they would if Henry was the one to vanish. He felt part of the group. He felt wanted.

He felt loved.

And Ronan…

Well.

They were patrolling together now. They had grown even closer after the whole coma mess, after Adam had learned how deep Ronan’s dedication ran. He felt flattered. He felt a different kind of wanted than he did with the others.

He felt understood.

And it was fine. He could live with the knowledge and he could live with pretending to not know anything, could live with pretending he didn’t really know.

Could live with pretending that _Ronan_ didn’t know.

Because that was like, a whole thing now. Ronan knows. Or, at least, he had an inkling. Ronan had, more than once, caught him looking. Ronan had let him touch the intricate pieces of his back that he didn’t paint – the labyrinth of vines and birds and bones that adorned his back. They were a symbol, an important part of Ronan’s life. A part that was long gone – one that Ronan considered his biggest failure.

The abduction of Aurora and Niall. Then the abduction of Matthew and Declan.

It was a display of trust. It was a display of love. It was a ‘ _You can look, I’m looking right back at you. I’m baring my soul and all the shattered pieces of it._ ’

Not with that many words, of course.

“Ronan, it’s time to go back!” Adam called him, shaking himself of that line of thoughts. “The sun is setting.”

“Coming, coming!” Ronan shouted back, ushering Opal to ‘Leave the fucking rabbits alone, Opal for fuck’s sake.’ so they could get home before the storm hit.

Adam smiled at the sight. Ronan and Opal were not quite father and daughter, more like a mentor and an unruly protegee. But they were managing. For all his bravado and temper, Ronan was actually both a great teacher and a great influence for her, eventual cursing aside.

“What exactly does this smiling face mean, Adam?” Ronan had an arm around him now, mischief dancing on his eyes. “What made you so happy today?”

“Things are… good.” Adam admitted, leaning his weight into Ronan. “Like they haven’t been in a long, long time.”

“Good.” Ronan made very a quiet sound, almost like a breath caught on his throat. Adam wouldn’t have heard it if he was not this close. “Really good.”

“Yeah.” Adam smiled again, extracting himself from Ronan’s side. “I’m not… totally happy yet. But I will get there.”

“Of course you will.” Ronan now made a very audible scoff. “You can do anything.”

“I most certainly can’t.” Adam smile faltered a bit. “I can’t change lots of things.”

“Like what?” Ronan asked.

“Like all of this.” Opal, by some miracle or her bizarre sixth sense for Ronan’s feelings, had made herself scarce, so Adam didn’t really feel ashamed to point to all of himself. ”I can’t change being my father’s son. I can’t change being as dirty as he is. I’m even the color of dirt for fuck’s sake Ronan. I can make myself better yes but it’s not like I can forget what I am. Or who I am.”

“Wow.” Was Ronan’s only answer.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you.” Adam ran a hand through his hair, frustrated. “It’s just…”

“No, just. That’s not it.” Ronan had cooked his head, analyzing Adam from head to toe. “Is this really how you feel Adam?”

“…Yes? How exactly can I not?” Adam felt his temper flaring, especially under the scrutiny. This was the feeling he hated. This was what he had fought against his entire life.

“You need to think again.” Ronan caught his arm in a strong hold, pulling Adam along until they could stop right in front of the pond near the collective building. “Look.”

“Look for _what_?” Adam was fully angry now. “What exactly there is to see here?”

“ _Look_.” Ronan insisted. “Look _again_.”

“Yes, yes. Dirt. Color of dirt.” Adam has lost whatever small piece of patience he had now.

“Color of life.” Ronan corrected. “The same golden-brown from Cabeswater soil.”

“So…?” Adam felt his anger vanish as quickly as it had come. “Ronan, what do you mean?”

“It’s not dirt.” Ronan picked Adam’s shoulders, turning him around a little. “It’s _life_.”

And as suddenly as the words left Ronan’s mouth, he could see it. The greens hiding in the depths of his eyes, intertwining with his hair, with his nails. He could see the same green as the ocean, the same green as the tree tops, the same green as the grass. He could see so many shades of green. So much… _more_ hidden right there.

“’See?” Ronan let a triumphant smile greet his lips. “ _Life_.”

Adam smiled back, taking Ronan hand on his.

_Life_.

______________________

There are countless different answers for the paradox of the ship of Theseus. Some say that it’s like a river – it will always be the same river you’re diving into, no matter how much the waters have changed. Some will refute this saying that the waters are never different, waters will come, will go, but they are always water.

Others say that the planks who needed to be substituted can make another ship, identical to the first. So, there will be two identical ships – and which of them would be the original?

Which one of me is the original? The pieces I left behind or the ones I built anew? Am I the same one from when I started my life journey or am I completely different now?

Who am I now?

I grew older. Wiser. I learned to see myself in a different way. I learned that I’m worth more than my father’s words. I’m worth more than just the labor I can do. I am worth just as much as any of the others who live here.

I learned to accept love, learned to give love. I learned and learned and learned.

I’m the same ship who left harbor. I’m the same ship docking port.

But that doesn’t mean I came back the same. I’ve changed my planks, I’ve lost my sails and my compass many times. I’ve lost my anchor too. I’ve found new masts, I’ve found new sails. I found a better compass and I found a stronger anchor.

I didn’t lose pieces along the way – well, maybe I did. But those were nothing I need to make myself who I am. I’m not the best answer for philosophical questions or paradoxes. I might even be a philosophical question and a paradox myself.

But it’s fine. I have time. I will build myself anew again and again, as many times as I need. I will shred feelings I don’t need again and again and I will become better.

I will become stronger. I will keep learning. It’s fine.

I am me. And that’s enough. 

**Author's Note:**

> Many many manyyyyyyy thanks to my lovely beta xxdeja_uchihaxx
> 
> Adam – Andalusite - golden brown to green – hardness of 7.5. I chose Andalusite for Adam for two reasons: first, their ability to change colors and second because they are, in fact, really refractory, which means they can endure lots of heat, chemicals and pressure. A stone so capable of changing and adapting caught my attention immediately. Robert is a Chiastolite - a variety of Andalusite. While Andalusites are of a hardness of 7.5, Chiastolites are 5.5, a lesser version of Andalusites. Just like Adam is a way better person that Robert Parrish will ever be.  
> Ronan – Black opal - 9 of hardness because Ronan is a dreamer which, in fact, means he defies all logic. The choice behind this one is… aesthetic! My first idea was like ’wow Ronan’s tattoo would look SO GOOD on black opal’. So there is that. An because I wanted Opal to be an opal.  
> Blue – Rainbow Obsidian – hardness of 6. Obsidian mirrors, in fact, did exist. They were very present in Mesoamerican cultures and all were related to the unknown world, be it the world of gods, divination, dead, etc etc. Blue – she is not fit for the world of fighting, just like she isn’t for the world of divination in the TRC but she is very, very fit to put things in motion, to protect everyone in her own way. She is the reason they are all alive and they could accomplish what they did. She is powerful in her own, just in a different way.  
> Gansey – Aquamarine – hardness of 8. – Aquamarines, if exposed to sunlight for too long, loose their coloring. It’s an allusion for Gansey bushes with dead and how things were never the same after. I had in mind that I wanted a hard stone – one that was able to fight one day, yes, but also one that had shortcomings. Just like Gansey, Aquamarines are blessed with being very hard and very beautiful but, in their own way, there are also very fragile.  
> Noah – Phantom Quartz – hardness of 7. – While it doesn’t happen exactly as described in here, the so-called Phantom Quartz really do exist. Phantom Quartz are stones that, basically, carry smaller versions of themselves inside them. Those formations are there because something happened and interrupted their growth. I found that very fitting.  
> Henry – Fluorite – hardness of 4. – Multicolored in purple and green – “[…] He was less of himself out loud. His native language was thought.”. This line was always a punch in the gut for me. So… Fluorite has a very nice propriety: Fluorites are fluorescent. Depending on the stone the exposure to sunlight is enough to make the fluorescence appear. Since Gems feed on sunlight and need it to stay awake it seemed a nice idea for Henry to have the means to keep himself awake more than the others – always thinking, always learning, always searching.  
> Opal – White Opal – 6.5 of hardness. – She has the normal Mohs scale hardness, unlike Ronan. Opal is a white opal also because of aesthetics and her fair hair. She is a feral part of Ronan, very different from him but also very close. They are two sides of the same coin.


End file.
